Yesterday was a really hard day for me. To give a little background – long story short – my mother and biological dad divorced when I was less than a year old. My mom remarried and she and my step-dad divorced when I was 14. I didn’t (and don’t) get along with my mom and since I am not my step-dad’s biological child, he basically divorced me when he divorced my mom. So, long story short, my grandparents were more like parents to me.
Yesterday marked the third anniversary of my grandfather’s suicide. Yesterday, was harder than I remember the previous years being. I’m not sure if it had to do with me not being on my depression/anxiety medications this year or what.
Year one wasn’t easy, but I spent the day with my husband and marked the day by getting a special tattoo. Year two… I don’t really recall anything “special” or “unique” about the day. Pretty sure I took it in stride. Yesterday, as much as I wanted to forget the day altogether, it hit me full on the second I woke up. It was just a very emotional day (which is why I was mostly absent from the social media world).
It is interesting to reflect and see how it has impacted me differently throughout the past three years. I can still recall “the call” (I hate “the call” – I’ve had way too many “the call” in my lifetime) and most details that occurred the entire day (some of it is a blur due to shock). I would never wish the loss of a loved one upon anyone and I certainly would not wish the suicide of a loved one on my worst enemy. I have grown a lot these past three years and I have learned a lot. I still have a lot of unanswered questions (which makes days like yesterday all the more difficult) but I am slowly coming to terms with it in a way that I can handle it. It is a slow work in progress.
Fortunately, today is a new day. There is only a lingering “blech” of yesterday and I am slowly returning, ready to take on the world (or at least the social media world!)