I don’t keep it a secret that I suffer from mental illness and I don’t keep it a secret that we have been on a journey with our son and his mental illness. Not only do I find it therapeutic to be able to share what many don’t understand, but I find that there are so many more parents struggling with the same things. It is so nice to find that small circle who get it.

I recently read an article –
– and absolutely agree, but what about those things not to say to a parent raising a child with mental illness?

What Not to Say to a Parent Raising a Child with Mental Illness

“It sounds like a normal child or teen.”

I promise you, there is nothing ‘normal’ about what B goes through. I have 3 children and none of the other two – even on a bad day – act like him or struggle like him.

Does your normal child get so angry at something that they hit you, kick you, bite you? Or so angry they throw things? Do they kick holes in doors? Does your child get so worked up that you can see it on their face that they are trying to control it, but just can’t seem to? Does your child fear that something bad is going to happen to you or to them? Do they come home crying because they are worried their friend is going to find a new friend and not have time for them? Is your child phased by consequences?

Because I will tell you; B gets angry and will hit, kick, bit. He throws toys, toy boxes – whatever he can get his hands on in that moment. Our bathroom door and K’s door have holes kicked in them from B. When he gets angry, you can see him try to keep himself calm, knowing that he is going to lose control but not wanting to. He fears something will happen that we won’t be there. That we might forget him or not ever come back for him. He came home crying from school one day because the teacher moved him away from his friend and he worried that said friend would make a new friend and forget about him.

I don’t know about you, but I considered myself a pretty normal child, but never remember doing any of the above.

Your {blank} year old was perfect at my house.

Don’t get me wrong – this can be said one of two ways. You can be telling me they were perfect as a compliment (which I thank you) or you can be telling me that he was perfect at your house and that I am just making up all the behavioral issues we have at home (to which I want to slap you.)

Up until a couple of months ago, B was perfect in public. He wasn’t rude at school. In fact, everyone at school loved him. He was kind and helpful and followed the rules (except sitting still in class which we worked out with the teacher.) Up until a couple of months ago, B was sweet and nice to other family members. For the most part, my kids know how to behave in public and around other people. Until a couple of months ago…

B actually became defiant with his grandma. Something that no one would ever do. (My children are raised as I was – you respect your elders.) He had never been defiant to anyone but hubby and I, but that day was an eye opener. That day, he began being defiant with people other than dad and me.

Just because my child was ‘perfect’ for you this time, doesn’t mean I am making up his behavioral issues (who would do that anyway!?) and doesn’t mean your time isn’t coming when he is rude to you.

“That just wouldn’t fly at our house. I know how to discipline my child.”

Really? So do I! Ask my other two children who understand consequences prefer not to be punished. They get it. They know right from wrong and they know that if they choose to make the wrong decision, they will be punished. And that punishment or consequence affects them.

B has never been phased by punishments and consequences. No matter what the punishment or consequence is, he just doesn’t care. Someone put it perfectly: “Well then you won’t get ice cream.” They respond with “I didn’t want it anyway.” If you respond with “One more time and you’re gonna get spanked, hard.” they respond with “That’s what I want, you can’t hurt me. Try it.” They. Just. Don’t. Care.

“Ass whoopins and boot camp.”

I’m not even explainging this one. Just don’t.

“Have you tried a sticker chart? What about one with a superhero where he gets a toy at the end of the week?”

Please see refer back to the section where I said he isn’t phased by punishments and consequences. Sticker charts would probably be torn up if I even tried. (Or marked up with marker crossing things off because he wasn’t happy with something.)

Anything that is not supportive.

Parenting is hard enough as it is, but when you are dealing with a special needs child or a child with mental illness, I don’t need negativity. I need support. I need to be lifted up.

I don’t need someone talking badly about me or my decisions.

I don’t need people judging me for doing what I feel is best for my child. I do not choose to medicate my son because I don’t want to or can’t handle him. I choose to medicate my son so that he can feel a sense of normalcy. So he can concentrate on school work without disrupting other kids or not able to sit still. So he isn’t constantly worried something is going to happen or to have any other irrational worries that plague him. No child should have to shoulder worries like that.

As a parent, we do what we hope and think is best for our children and frankly, in the words of Thumper, “if you ca’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” It’s hard enough without your negativity.