I have struggled with post partum depression after having Buggy and Buddy. Furthermore, I had been diagnosed with pregnancy induced social anxiety after giving birth to Buggy; generalized anxiety disorder, depression and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after the suicide of my grandfather.
After each event, I was prescribed medication which I would take for a length of time and then eventually would stop taking.
While I knew the medication helped me, I didn’t want to be dependent on medication. I wanted to be okay without needing anything and if I needed something, I wanted it to be something more natural and not pharmacology.
Unfortunately for me, that doesn’t work out so well.
During my pregnancy with Lil Miss, I could tell something was off. I could tell by my mood, by my behavior. Everything about me was different. Of course, I blamed it on pregnancy hormones when someone else asked, but I did confide in one person who knew – I needed my medication. Without it, I was someone I did not like to be.
My anxiety was “okay”. It would surface every now and then. But my mood? I would be angry all the time for no apparent reason. I was yelling all the time. I was very unhappy. And I knew it, but did not want to admit it.
Because who wants to admit that they need medication to be “normal”?
My post partum depression history had already been discussed with my OB as well as the OB who was scheduled to deliver Lil Miss during my c-section. It was discussed that I would try to keep things together on my own, but I knew my own signs and symptoms and would seek assistance if needed. That was the deal.
Unfortunately, when the OB came to check on me the second night, my feeling of failure had already crept in and she had heard about it. There was no way the OB was letting me leave. In fact, I was blackmailed.
I had two choices: start medication that night for post partum depression or I would have to stay in the hospital for an additional night.
Of course, this caused the second emotional break for me that day. I couldn’t stay an additional night. I had two older kids I needed to be home with. My sister in law had taken the kids the first night so hubby could stay with me and my mother in law stayed with me the second night so hubby could go home and sleep and take care of the big kids. I couldn’t rely on anyone. I needed to be home.
Not to mention, who wants to willingly stay in the hospital? I wasn’t comfortable and let’s face it, the food isn’t anything to write home about.
I agreed to start medication. Again.
At the time, I felt betrayed because I wanted to try life without medication, but at the same time, I knew I needed the help. It was just a matter of swallowing my pride and facing the facts. I know that I cannot handle my life without the assistance of medication. I have tried and I have not succeeded very well.
For my health and my families’ happiness, medication is what is best for me in my situation and there is nothing wrong with that.
Knowing when you need help and accepting help is okay. Sometimes, we just can’t do everything on our own. Whether it be our mental health or emotional or physical – there are times when we all need help and knowing when that time is and accepting help is okay. And sometimes, we need to remember to speak up and just ask for help, whether we want to or not!