I have given my blog a lot of thought lately. I feel like I am growing as a blogger and that my blog itself is growing, but I also feel like I am not being real, I am not being true to myself.
The tag line says it all – my life in written form.
But it’s not. Well, not always.
So, here I am, putting it all out for you. No pretty pictures. Just me being me. Being real. Because frankly, I need somewhere to put it so why not here? Why not in written form? It is my life after all.
I have been living on a high the past few weeks.
I have been feeling positive. My blog is doing well and I feel like soon, I may be able to quit my part time out of home job so I can stay home with Baby Girl. I have made the decision to take Buggy out of public school next year and homeschool her so not working outside the home (however part time) will be good.
I have felt confident in who I am and what I do. I have sold myself in the most positive light I have ever done and really played up my strengths as a person. I didn’t shy away or feel embarrassed. I believed in myself.
I have even moved forward in starting my own virtual assisting business and put it into action this weekend. I was not embarrassed, I was not shy. I felt proud of myself and my new venture.
But then life gives you a curve ball.
You handle it with grace, but you hold it inside so that no one has any idea what is really going on.
You go through days where at the drop of a hat, you find yourself teary eyed and fighting back the tears that are threatening to pour down like rain.
Someone else shares their setbacks and you feel like you want to share yours too, but that is not the right time. You don’t want to overshadow them so you sit quietly and then realize that while things have been chaotic for the last couple of weeks, you have played it so well that no one realizes there was ever an issue.
So now what?
Rather than hold it in and feel miserable, I’m going to put it in writing. Because that’s what I do best.
And I’m going to share it for all to read. Not because I want sympathy, but because I want people to know that things happen. To everyone. And while I may feel completely and utterly alone right now, I’m not. So when you are going through something bad, you may feel alone, but know that you are not.
At the end of April, a woman who was like another mom to me went in to have her leg amputated. She wasn’t in great health to begin with and while we had seen this coming for years, it was still a shock. Unfortunately, I had not seen her in almost two years due to some drama, but I was being kept up to date on the information.
She came out of the surgery fine and was going to be released to rehab facility in the coming weeks.
But everything changed.
On the night of May 12th, I got a message telling me that she had been on life support since two days prior. It was such a shock, I had no idea.
Since I hadn’t seen her in almost 2 years and I had no idea what was going to happen next – I asked if I could see her.
Let me tell you. I have never had to witness someone on life support. Especially someone who is important to me.
It was the most emotional roller coaster I remember experiencing.
I knew she was suffering from various ailments and while part of you wishes she would get better, you know deep down that releasing her is best and what she wants. Yet there were so many other emotions and thoughts that came with it. It wasn’t just black and white. It was a real struggle for me to get my mind around and even now, I still don’t full accept the whole situation. (As selfish as this sounds, fortunately, no decisions were mine to be made.)
Eight days later I was informed they would be removing the ventilator the following week, but the following night I got the message that they had decided to remove the tube and she had passed away.
Reality of the situation comes and goes in floods.
The whole ordeal brought to the surface a dramatic occurrence from almost two years ago. An occurrence that I thought I had completely moved passed, but dealing with all of that just reopened an old wound and the emotions that surrounded that occurrence were brought back to the surface.
Dealing with all of that has been a lot and it creeps up on me when I least expect it.
Emotions take over. Thoughts take over.
Sometimes I feel like those that I consider my close friends do not really want to be close friends. That they are avoiding me.
Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try to fit in, I still do not fit in.
The emotions still come and go and regardless of who wants to be my friend or where I fit in, I am okay.
Putting this in words, in writing, and releasing it, helps me see how irrational I can be. How irrational my thoughts can be.
It helps me realize that my anxiety is rearing it’s ugly head and that everything is okay.
I may be struggling right now (and rambling as I am wrapping this up) but I know that I am still me. I am still the person I was a few weeks ago who felt like she could rule the world. I am still mom, wife, and friend.
I am still me. And this is me. Being real.