As a parent, one of the hardest parts I have found to be about parenting is discipline.
Finding a consequence that leaves a lesson can be hard.
One thing seems to have a longer lasting effect with my kids?
Writing an apology letter.
Yep. A handwritten, one paragraph containing at least 5 complete sentences, addressed to the victim or person my child choose to disobey, apologizing for their behavior.
The idea actually came in 2nd grade with our oldest.
Our ideas for consequences was running thin, but we knew she enjoyed writing AND she needed to work on her handwriting skills so we decided to turn it all into one experience.
Buggy got a lot of experience (sadly enough) last year in 2nd grade with this consequence and this year, as a 1st grader, Buddy is getting his experience under the belt.
Our letters can be to the bus driver for not listening, the playground aide for making fun of them, a peer for being mean, the cafeteria aide for being too loud when asked to quiet down, a teacher for disrupting class (just a few that our letters have been addressed to the last year and a half).
Our letters must:
Start with “Dear [person]”. We try to find out the proper name for the person involved, but we have had to write a letter to “Dear Playground Aide” before because we didn’t know their name.
Contain at least 5 complete sentences. A paragraph is exactly that – 5 complete sentences.
Contain an apology for the offense. Just saying they are sorry is not enough. My children must apologize for what their behavior was.
“I am sorry for calling you ugly on the playground.”
“I am sorry for not sitting down while the bus was moving.”
They need to understand what behavior was unacceptable and understand that they are apologizing for that specific behavior(s).
Say what actions they will take so it doesn’t happen again. Or at least what they are going to do to try and prevent it from happening again.
“I will not call you names.”
“I will try to keep my bottom on the seat while the bus is moving.”
Our kids need to figure out how to correct the behavior so that they can learn how to change that behavior.
Give their letter in person. When possible, we try to make our kids give their letter to the person. In person. It holds them accountable.
Be done on the same day as the behavioral offense! I am sure as parents, you have heard this one before. You must deliver the consequences as close to the offense as possible.
For us, I get multiple daily reports from my kids after school.
My kids self report plus they have daily planners brought home that are marked if there was an issue.
I have also had the teacher email me and or the principal call me.
If I suspect something, or I have questions, a quick email to the teacher immediately after school usually gets answered fairly quickly so that my child can have an apology letter, in hand, the following morning.
These are our “musts”.
I personally make sure their spelling is correct. Their handwriting is legible and neat (if we are doing a punishment, we might as well be learning proper handwriting technique as well, shouldn’t we?)
Is there a consequence you have found that works extremely well for your children? What is it? Leave me a comment and let me know! I am always open to new suggestions!
I don’t have kids, but I think this would be a punishment I would try with my kids if I had them one day.
My 3rd grade daughter is doing this right now. She took something at lunch she shouldn’t have and got a detention. She is now writing a letter of apology to her teacher, the principal, and the school lunch aid. She will be hand delivering them tomorrow morning in properly addressed envelopes. Guess I’m not as original as I thought. Hopefully this will make an impression.
We found it to be very effective. I think we only had to do 2 letters before she really took to heart what she was doing and how it affected other people and not just her. I hope it has the same effect!!
Just read a note from my DD teacher that she had to be reminded several time to not talk. Google and found your Blog. This is perfect in many ways. She is in first grade and they are learning sentence/proofreading skills. Thank you for the sentence cues as well.
If she ‘enjoys writing” it is not a consequence. Children need to undrstand their ill behavior and then suffer a negative consequence. It is basic behavioral psychology. Sometimes a real punishment is called for.
I think that just because her daughter enjoys writing this consequence won’t be effective. She s in second grade. She needs to continue her writing skills. I believe this is a very effective consequence because she has a way of getting her thoughts down. Her daughter can re-read what she has done to be offensive as well as what she can do to correct her behavior. I’m sure being a kid, her daughter doesn’t enjoy writing all the time, and to use this skill as a consequence to help her in more ways than one is both effective and beneficial. Kudos to you Leels!
I actually am going to do this with my own daughter today. Yesterday we found out she has been lying and stealing on multiple accounts. She will be writing two letters (for her two offensives) along with clearing her room of all the books, stuffed animals, and toys she has. She will be earning them back as her good and moral behavior increases. My daughter has been having a lot of issues with all this and I’m deciding to make a more consistent effort to get her behavior under control.
Thank you for the kind words!
How old is your daughter? K is now older and really is becoming a handful… I’m think we might have to come back to this consequence again!! It really did help – especially when the behavior involves others. It puts her “on the spot” without “putting her on the spot” with other people. A subtle way of having to own up to her behavior without everyone knowing, but the people involved knowing.
Teaching behavioral lessons do not have to be a negative experience, learning the lessons of apology and accountability for ones actions is the focus here. The outlet of writing allows the child to express that lesson in a way that allows them to be open and positive about learning that lesson..I’m sure because she likes to write does not make the presentation of it any easier.
Maybe this doesn’t work I tried 🙁
Great insights and tips for writing a good apology letter. My son is in the 5th grade and I feel I should have started this long ago. But, now is better than never. I googled to get some samples and your post came up…so glad I read it. Thank you!
Thanks for the wonderful advice on how the apology letter should be written. I had my daughter write a apology to her teacher and a child from school that she hut with her sandal. She has to read it aloud as well and she was grounded for 24hrs.
I literally just had my 1st grade son write two apology letters to two girls in his class for scratching them with a plastic fork. It appears to have been a random act because he did not give a reason as to why he did it (not that I condone him doing it even if there was a reason.. I asked him if he apologized yet and he told me he did not. He was very reluctant to write the letters, but told him it is not okay to harm others and an apology is warranted. I had him give one of the notes this morning when I dropped him off. He was very embarrassed and turned red. However, I believe this will stick in his mind and help develop a better moral compass. I want my son to know there are consequences (good or bad) for every action. As parents, it is our job to lovingly discipline our children when they do something wrong.
Yes! 100% this!! Writing a letter of apology seemed to be the ONLY thing that gets through to them. It makes them think about what they did, why it was wrong, and heck yes, it’s embarrassing to them to have to give a written letter to someone saying they are sorry! I hope it sticks with him! So far, it has really stuck with my kids and it hasn’t had to be done in a long while!