I am a 28 year old woman.
I have been married for 6 years; been with my husband for 8 years.
I am a mother to two wonderful children ages 6 and 3.
I am a full time employee in a professional office.
I am a college graduate, currently attending college for my Master’s degree.
I love spending time with family and friends doing normal, everyday activities.
From the outside, I look like a normal, everyday woman.
On the inside, there are things you could never imagine.
In 2006, a year after my daughter was born, I was diagnosed with post-partum depression and pregnancy induced social anxiety. I did not like myself. I loved my daughter, but I feared I would hurt her. I did not like my husband. I could not leave the house by myself for fear of what other people would think of me. I sought treatment and was medicated.
In 2010, roughly 8 months after my grandfather completed suicide, I was diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. I sought treatment which included medication and weekly therapy. I have dealt with the panic attacks and have had a small handful of “psychotic breaks”.
My depression is just that. My down days. I know my depression is bad when I start disliking everyone around me and I don’t want to be with those that I love most.
My post-traumatic stress disorder included panic and flashing memories.
My anxiety disorder… oh my anxiety disorder. When someone tells you anxiety, what do you think? Most people think it’s not a big deal. It’s just being worried, nervous of things. It is so much more than that. My anxiety is so bad that I could not leave my children. No joke, at one point, I thought I needed to get life jackets and a life boat to keep in the presence of my children at all times. Arizona doesn’t get much rain so we do not have proper sewage systems. When it rains, it tends to flood. Well, if it floods, my kids can’t swim and I cannot save myself to save my children who neither of them can swim. So they needed life jackets so they don’t drown. A life boat will help keep us all from drowning. But the life jackets and boat need to go everywhere my kids go so they don’t drown regardless of who’s house they are at. This was a serious thought! I dreaded going to work. I hated going and meeting my friends or going to their house for home parties. I feared that everyone would look at me and judge me for various reasons. I feared that people always talked about me behind my back. I feared people didn’t like me. I feared that if I went on vacation without my kids then either I would die or they would die and they would be without their parents so when we travel, they had to come with. I would rather all four of us die together than to leave my children parentless. These were my thoughts during my anxiety periods. It isn’t something little or worried or nervous. It was a serious, debilitating fear.
I am not looking for sympathy. I just want people to realize that things aren’t always what they tend to be. Before you judge someone else, try taking a look into what they go through.